Correcting the Lie: The True Story of the Original Snub

KallistiMany of you know that the story of The Original Snub is, shall we say, less than historically accurate. It has been increasingly amusing to Me how few those many really are. This is the story that’s usually used to show how spiteful and clever I am. And I am. But you guys have the story all wrong. It really shows My better side. It’s Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite who are the real Bitches. So sit down, children, and let me tell you how it really happened.

Before I tell you the True Myth, we have to get the False Myths out of the way. The tale is not symbolic of the origin of Wicca, which means that explanations like this…

olympus overdriveAt this wedding “eris” shows up at the wedding bearing a golden apple inscribed ‘to the fairest.’ In other words, a pagan shows up bearing majick, and causing discord. An argument occurs between Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite as to who is the fairest. It can be assumed that these godheads represent heads of surrounding territories. It should be made clear at this time, that Hera is stepmother to Athena and wife to Zeus. Athena would represent Egypt; Hera, Asia; and Aphrodite would represent Greece (or Helen)Paris who is son of royalty in Troy, but was sent off to be a shepard, is chosen by Zues to decide who is the fairest. He is bribed by Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite in hopes of his choosing that individual. Hera promises him land and kingship in Asia. Athena promises him success in wars and battle (ally), but aphrodite promises him Helen (greece). . It should also be said that Hekate (mother of all majick) is ‘nursemaid’ to Helen. Hekate is also sister to Eris. This would mean Majick helped nurse Greece and Hekate was pagan.

…are just pseudointellectual baloney. Yummy, sure, but it leaves an odd coating on your tongue and isn’t very filling.

It’s OK, though. This story is so murky that even hardcore Discordians sometimes throw up their hands in defeat such as when St. Verthaine wrote in The Book of Eris (PDF)

Another approach to that myth is to see the apple as the world and all it has to offer. To whom would Eris say it belonged? Kallisti. . . the prettiest one. And who is the prettiest one? We all are. If only we could realize it.

A sweet sentiment, but again, wrong. The Original Snub is not allegory. It is historical revisionism designed to make Me look bad. The Metaclysmia Discordia (PDF) mentions the real story in passing, but even it doesn’t present the Hole Truth.

You see, Peleus and Thetis were getting hitched. I wasn’t invited to the wedding festivities, true, but it was just an oversight. You’d be amazed how many gods and goddesses there were in those days, and some invitations are bound to slip through the cracks. So I didn’t feel snubbed and wasn’t angry. I was happy for the couple and showed up anyway to give my wedding present (and to watch Zeus eat his heart out. He always had a thing for Thetis, you know.)

Apple square danceYes, it was a golden apple — a beautiful paperweight made of the finest metallic gold (not Acapulco Gold as has often been reported. I was going to share that refreshment with them later, after the greedy bogarters left) with inlaid rubies, emeralds, and pearls. It was a Faberge Apple, so to speak, designed to satisfy the extreme opulence and greed of that crowd. I had it inscribed to “the most beautiful one.” Naturally, due to the extreme security measures taken on Mt. Olympus I could not actually enter the ballroom without an invitation, so I rolled my gift inside to make sure the couple got it.

This is the important bit, so listen close. Everyone knows that at any wedding, there is only one woman who, by definition, is the most beautiful. That woman is the bride. Period. Full stop. No exceptions. The inscription wasn’t vague in the slightest. The apple was a gift to Thetis.

How was I to know that not only would Thetis’ gift get stolen outright before she even laid eyes on it, but that it would trigger a sequence of events that led to the Trojan war? That was the True Original Snub, and the victim was Thetis, not I. I proclaim my innocence. The real evildoers in the story were those thieving and conniving assholes, Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite.

And now you know.

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