Confusion 18, 3170: Eris

I was preparing the lesson for my Bible School class when the blow came, striking me hard on the back of my head. I turned to find what hit me and saw a beautiful woman standing in the doorway.

She was dressed in flowing white robes, bathed in golden light. Grinning widely, she kept tossing an apple back and forth between her hands. “Hiya!” she said.

I bolted out of my chair. “What the… who are you?” I asked, rubbing the lump growing on my skull.

“You can call me Eris. Whatcha doing?”

“How did you get in here? What’s going on?”

Suddenly she threw her apple at me. The force of the impact made me stumble back as the apple exploded into a confetti of light and vanished. “Shit! Stop that!”

“Then stop being so rude. Whatcha doing?”

“Planning a Bible lesson,” I said, wondering why I was playing along with this wacko chick. How <i>did</i> she get in here, anyway?

“Oh, you know about all that Bible-type stuff? I have a question. Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?”

“Ummm, yeah…”

“WRONG! The worms came in apples.” She doubled over with laughter, slapping her knee.

“Look, Eris, I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but if you don’t leave right now I’m calling the cops.”

“Shit, you didn’t get the joke? You’re a real piece of work. OK, let’s try this question: How do you know you aren’t teaching your students a big fat lie?”

“The Bible isn’t a lie.”

“How do you know that?”

“A matter of faith, I guess. I believe it to be True.”

“Fair enough. So then, the Bible must be logically consistent even if there is no objective supporting evidence?”


“So why are there so many different denominations? Don’t they each interpret the Bible differently? How is this possible if the Bible is consistent? And what about atheists? What about the other religions? What do you make of this Chaos? Are all of those people wrong?”

“I think so. They’re deluded.”

“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. So, your belief in an unconfirmed and illogical dogma is rational, but all those other people are fooling themselves, huh?”

“Well, I wouldn’t put it that way…”

“Too late!”

“So you’re saying that Christianity is False, then?”

Eris laughed again. “Oh, I’m saying nothing of the sort!”

“So Christianity is True, then?”

“I’m not saying that, either! You really have to stop putting words in My mouth. I’m saying that if you think you know what’s going on, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

With that, a loud pop filled the air and she was gone.

Shaken, I returned to my lesson plans. The juice from the apples had soaked into the pages, turning them into a soggy mess.