Like all Discordians, we here at the Barry Bittwister Cabal loves us some whollydays. Here are ones that we particularly like. There are more comprehensive Whollyday lists, there are better descriptions of the Whollydays, but this list is special because it’s ours.
A note about Eye days: Beware the Dreaded Illuminati on Eye Days. Our ancient foes stole Eye Days from us as a time to commit particularly heinous and bloodthirsty acts upon any Discordian they could capture. Make sure your membership paperwork in the AISB is up-to-date and be ready to produce it on demand. In addition, to ensure the readiness of fellow Discordians, pretend to be an inspection agent with the AISB and make surprise checks on their membership paperwork.
(Jan 1) Start the year like you started your life!
(Jan 5) Celebration of the Apostle Hung Mung. Appropriate activities include thigh-slapping, laughing, ripping off other people’s ideas, and hunting cabbages.
Emperor Norton I Day
(Jan. 8) His Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, left us on this day in 3046 YOLD (1880 CE). We miss him.
(Jan. 27) Celebrate Chaosloth by not celebrating Chaosloth.
(Feb.19) Holyday of the season of Chaos. Convince your friends to change their minds about decisions that they make through out the day.
(Mar. 3) Celebrating pentagons, pentagrams, and other pentilaterals. The law of the five-day celebration is never wrong.
(Mar. 6 ) The holyday that started Pentaweek by ending Pentaweek is being ret-conned as so ancient that it qualifies for the dinosaur naming conventions.
(Mar. 14) Your papers, please.
St. Tib’s Day
St. Tib’s Day
(Feb. 29) St. Tib’s Day exists only to keep the calendar synchronized with Earth’s rotation around the sun and should be celebrated occasionally and vigorously.
(Mar. 19) Celebration of the Apostle Dr. Van Van Mojo. Use as many obscure Discordian references as possible. Good places for this are parks, buses, and city council meetings.
(Apr. 2) Commit blasphemy against Goddess Discordia! Write your representatives and demand they outlaw “funny religions;” send one hour’s salary to the most Aneristic organization you can think of; or eat a bun with a hot dog made out of the Sacred Chao. On second thought, recognizing a holyday wouldn’t be blasphemist. So instead of actually celebrating it, call in sick to work or school, then spend all day sleeping, going fishing or having sex.
(Apr. 6) Instigated by Harold Lord Randomfactor. Once or twice a year, a public servant who has distinguished himself by more than common imbecility is selected as target for a Jake and all Discordian cabals are alerted. The official being honored receives mail from all the cabals at once on Jake Day. The letters should be printed on the official letterhead of each of the cabals and ask for help in “some complicated political matter that passes all rational understanding.”
(Apr. 10) Celebrate Discosloth by not celebrating Discosloth.
(May 3) Holyday of the season of Discord.
(May 18) Celebrating squares and other quadrilaterals.
Jake Day Jr.
(May 23) Pull some small Jakes or practical jokes, especially those that cause embarrassment or the loss of personal modesty.
(May 26) Your papers, please.
(May 31) Celebration of the Apostle Sri Syadasti. This holyday is celebrated by altering your own consciousness in any way that is permissible to your superego.
(June 22) Celebrate Confusloth by not celebrating Confusloth.
(Jul. 5) Maybe not this year.
(Jul. 15) Holyday of the season of Confusion. Travel in a direction you have never gone before. Travel randomly. Stop and ask for directions to Thuddite Manor.
(Jul. 29) The night before All Triangle’s Day, marked by intoxication and trying to cut things into right-angled triangles.
All Triangle’s Day
(Jul. 30) Celebrating triangles, geometry’s most beautiful shape.
(Aug. 7) Your papers, please.
(Aug. 12) Celebration of the Apostle Zarathud. Appropriate activities include inappropriate activities. Zaraday should also be celebrated by studying the Pentabarf he has given, and by carving it into a stone tablet. If one so desires, you may insist upon having it planted in the local courthouse’s lawn.
(Sep. 3) Celebrate Buresloth by not celebrating Buresloth.
(Sep. 9) Holyday of the season of Bureaucracy. Have an accountant party. Invite every accountant you know to it, and make all non-accountants dress like accountants and talk constantly using accountant-like nonsense. Instead of business cards, the fake accountants should hand out Pope cards when introducing themselves.
(Oct. 19) Your papers, please.
(Oct. 24) Celebration of the Apostle Malaclypse The Elder.
The Aftermath 27
(Nov. 15) Celebrate Afsloth by not celebrating Afsloth.
The Aftermath 50
(Dec. 8) Holyday of the season of The Aftermath. Thank Goddess it’s getting toward the end of the year. Thank Goddess the aftermath of what you did all year isn’t too bad. Well, not as bad as it could have been.
The Aftermath 65
(Dec. 23) Celebrating circles, geometry’s most boring shape.
The Aftermath 73
(Dec. 31) Your papers, please. This is a particularly treacherous Eye day, as it’s also Nude Year’s Eve. Let loose, get highly intoxicated, but never let your guard down.